Adoption Info #1 - Adoption Language

Adoption Language

Adoption is an interesting thing. Everyone knows a little bit about it, but relatively few know a great deal. I am definitely still learning. One thing that you learn early on in the game is that often the uninformed don't use the best terminology, and that can be taken as offensive or at least insensitive. To help out those who don't know much about the lingo, I'm posting a list of not-so-good terms and terms that could be used instead. I'll try to explain why when it is unclear.

Not-so-good Terms:

--"Real Parent/Mother/Family". This might come up in a question such as "Why couldn't her real mother keep her?" To suggest that the parents who adopt the child are not truly the child's parents can be really hurtful - not just to the parents, but to the child as well. A real parent isn't necessarily the person who gives birth to you or gives you genetic material - a real parent is the person who loves you and (ahem) parents you. The preferable term to use in this situation would be "Birth Parent/Mother/Family".

--"Natural Parent/Mother/Family". Very similar to the last term, this could come up in questions: "Are you her natural mother?" It does beg the question: what is an unnatural mother? Kind of creepy. In these cases, the term "Biological Parent/Mother/Family" would be preferable.

--"Adopted child" vs. "Own child". This could come up when you are being introduced to someone new: "This is Amber and Chris. They have an adopted daughter, and a daughter of their own." Or in the form of questions: "I know you want an adopted child, but don't you want one of your own, too?" To suggest that only one's biological children are one's "own" is a hurtful thing. One's children are one's children - how they came to join the family should be irrelevant. You may find this distinction in magazine articles about famous adoptive couples - the press is always quick to point out which children are adopted and which ones are "their own". To be polite, one should simply refer to them as "their children". If one really needs to differentiate, one could use the term "biological children" and "adopted children".

--"Is Adopted". This one may seem subtle, but it makes sense. To say "My sister IS adopted" is to label her, to place a stigma on her for the rest of her life. To say she "WAS adopted" just tells the world about her past history.

--"Adoptive Parent". This is similar to the "Own child" discussion above. It is unnecessary (in most cases) to say "Amber and Chris are the adoptive parents of an infant girl". Although there is no shame at all in adopting (I don't want to suggest that there is or that we will in any way try to hide the fact our child was adopted), the world doesn't need to constantly be reminded that that's how our family was created. (The fact that she will look different from us will be enough for most people) Simply saying "parents" in this case would work quite nicely. Besides, does a child want "adoptive parents" or do they just want "parents"? All kids need plain old parents.

There are many more right/wrong terms that come up, but I'll stick to the above ones for now, as I feel they are the most important. As a general rule of thumb, it's best just to think sensitively, and pay attention to what connotations your words may have that you don't even intend. Between adults it may not be a big deal, but when you are talking to (or in the presence of) a little child it can hurt feelings and self-esteem.

As a side note, there are also some initials that are used in adoption which may be unfamiliar, so I'll touch on those as well:

SN = special needs. This would refer to any child with medical/emotional/cognitive issues which might require extra attention.

NSN = non-special needs. This would refer to any child who has no known issues.

AP = adoptive parent.

PAP = prospective adoptive parent.

CY = Chung Yi. This is the name of the orphanage our adoption agency works with for the placement of children.

ASIA = Associated Services for International Adoption. This is the name of our adoption agency.